


strawberry blonde

by themarauderswap



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Beards (Relationships), Bisexual Remus Lupin, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Modern Era, Mutual Pining, No Happy Ending Fest, Nonbinary Character, Other, Post-Break Up, Queer Sirius Black, Queer Themes, Trans Sirius Black, Trauma, non binary sirius black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29527248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themarauderswap/pseuds/themarauderswap
Summary: you tell me you love her, i give you a grin oh all i ever wanted was a life in your shape so i follow the white lines, follow the white lines keep my eyes on the road and i achebased on the song 'strawberry blonde' by mitski
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	strawberry blonde

**Author's Note:**

> Cw
> 
> mentions of getting outed
> 
> *  
> LINK TO SONG:
> 
> i love this song so i wrote a story!! pls enjoy but be warned it does not end happily, though there may be a part two
> 
> im so sorry for this it hurt to write tbh

“Can I sit?” Was the first thing Sirius heard him say in months. They had been startled, dropping the half burnt cigarette as they turned to look at the source of the voice. He was the same as he always had been. 

He was tall, first off. But what stood out were the strawberry blonde curls sitting atop his head in a messy mop. He had freckles dotting his face and a jagged white scar from his forehead to his opposite jaw. Sirius’ breath caught in their throat but they nodded nonetheless. Remus sat down on the grassy bank next to them. With the sun just high up enough to cast pink golden light over everything, they looked ethereal; a golden celestial being.  
Sirius was used to being alone, as technically it was private property. But they knew with their parents rules seeing someone at all this summer was welcomed.

Remus, both luckily and unluckily lived in a little cottage with his mom right on the edge of the woods the Black’s property backed up to. That’s how they’d met; Sirius on one of his ‘running away’ excursions and he’s ran into the same lanky strawberry blonde mess at the age of 11. 

The pair sat in silence for a bit before Remus pulled out a cigarette of his own and laid down on the grass. Of the entire hillside and he’d chosen a place where Sirius could see the pale freckled skin of his midriff as he stretched back, closing his eyes as he exhaled. They snapped their head back at the same time bright amber eyes opened up and they heard a chuckle. 

“How’s the family then?” he asked. 

“Hm?”

“Regulus? Is he back from the psych ward?” Sirius nodded. 

“They released him three weeks ago. He’s doing better.” Remus nodded, taking a drag of his cigarette. Sirius resisted the urge to ask. They didn’t know where they stood anymore on anything. 

“And you?” Sirius didn’t look over, they knew Remus was looking at them and if they met his eyes they might snap and spill all the angry and hurtful and longing thoughts bubbling over inside. They settled for nodding. 

“I’m good.”

“Good.” The silence that set in was strangling, but neither could be the one to break it. Sirius was brought back to that same silence of the car when their mum drove them away. Right after Remus had said they were safe, and no one would be home for hours. Right before his mom walked in. before the screaming. The crashing. The angry phone call. Remus being whisked away. They forced the tremor inwards. He was here now wasn't he? He had to be alright if he was here and smiling dopily, smoke curling from his lips to the cool morning air. 

“Bit fucked up how life just goes on huh?” He blurted eventually. Good to see his cynical humor hadn't changed. His laugh rang out through the morning air, but it was bitter and when Sirius glanced over they noticed how empty his eyes looked.  
He plucked a buttercup out of the grass and twirled it in his long knobby fingers before reaching over to tuck it behind their ear. He scrunched up his nose in a smile. It looked at least a little reminiscent of how they once did. 

“Yellow still suits you.” 

Sirius didn’t quite know what to make of the interaction. Remus had gone quiet after that and they had sat in another painful silence for a bit before Remus made off, doc martens in hand, leaving no trace but a patch of flattened grass and the flower tucked in Sirius’ black curls. 

Leaving no way to contact him again. 

Sirius hadn’t realized this until they got home and got on their phone. His old number still gave them a dial tone and the messages bounced back reading ‘undelivered’. They felt a pang of regret at not relishing the moment, or at least asking for the closure they'd longed for. But with a sigh, they carried on with the day. The flower was left pressing under a stack of unread books

*

“Remus!” Sirius said looking at the person they’d bumped into. Remus looked just as startled to see Sirius and all but jumped away. 

“Uh...hi.” he started. He looked tense, glancing wildly around the shop to see if anyone was looking. Sirius noticed this and nodded to the hallway leading to the backroom, making brief eye contact with Lily, his friend who was working her shift at the coffee shop. She smiled and glanced at Remus, but didn’t try to say anything.

“What’s up?” They asked. They weren’t really sure what to say now that they were faced with him once more. Remus rubbed the back of his neck.“Here with anyone?” Now that it wasn’t six am Sirius was able to properly process, and they’d be damned if they let him slip through the cracks once more.

“Yeah. Uh-now’s not really a good time so if I could-” Sirius felt a flush of embarrassment and desperately hoped that their hot cheeks weren’t showing. 

“Oh, yeah of course. See you around?” Remus just nodded, but didn’t meet Sirius’ eyes. _where was the cheeky moony who they’d met on the bank? Had something happened_ Remus pushed out past Sirius, hands shoved in corduroy pockets. Sirius stood there for a moment to think. Had they done something? 

After reviewing their brief interaction Sirius settled on the fact that it must be something else. Everything had been good between them before. They left the hallway, grabbing their iced coffee off the counter and calling out a goodbye to Lily.

They froze for a split second upon seeing Remus. He was sitting at a table near the front with a girl. Her hair was bubblegum pink in a pixie-mullet and she was laughing, almost hitting the small purple flower vase on the table's surface. Remus caught Sirius’ eye. They didn’t recognize the emotion swirling in them as they pushed through the double glass doors. 

*

"Straighten your tie you whore!" 

"I like it this way!! It makes me look rugged!" James complained back, shooting Sirius a stubborn look as he kept his tie slightly off center.

"Evans won't want to dance with a man without a crooked tie." Sirius could have snorted at the fact that James actually fixed his tie, the poor fella, but they were late enough as it was and pulled him to the door.

The drive to the dance was short; James lived in the part of town right where all the old money townhouses were, allowing him prime location in regards to the school. Less than a 20 minute walk. 

"Alright, you ready to go get the girl Romeo?" Sirius asked. James nodded, eyes sparkling. 

"Tonight's gonna be it. I can feel it" He gave himself a nod of affirmation. "How about you? You still have the hots for Fabian?" Sirius groaned.

"That was two years ago!! Let me be!!" Sirius Said punching James lightly in the arm. James chuckled and pushed open his door. 

"Come on. Night to remember ahead of us!" James called, clicking the car locked as Sirius emerged from the passenger seat. 

"If I score an afterparty date with Evans, you're walking." James said slinging an arm around sirius' shoulder, breaking the silence as they descended the steps to the school entrance. 

"The things I do in the name of friendship." Sirius grumbled jokingly. The fairy lights strung up in the cafeteria stood out through the windows as they wove through the courtyard, giving their tickets to the teacher running the check-ins. James immediately set off to find Lily, and Sirius trailed close behind. 

"Sirius Black as I live and breathe!" A voice called, amusing them to whip around smiling at the short girl. Her sandy hair was done up in a crown braid framing her round face. He swooped her up in a hug and her laugh rang in his ear. "Put me down you soppy bitch!" She cried, pulling back to kiss his cheek which they jokingly wiped off

"People talk Marls, next thing you know we’ll have straight rumors to deal with" They said, sending her into a full belly laugh. 

"Speaking of, Dorry’s on my ass about getting you back to gsa. We need our..." She prompted

"Moral support? Honestly McKinnon I'm only there because you’re a great group but I've got other things." She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah? Musical hasn't started yet. You said we'd have ya til October." They were about to come back at her when the opening chords to Welcome to New York blared over the speakers. Sirius and Marlene's faces broke into the same excited expression and they grabbed her hands, immediately jumping to the music and screaming the lyrics, voices blending into the crowd. Moments like these just left Sirius feeling free, with someone he loved in a place with laughter and light all around. 

"I'll never forget about 1989." Sirius said once it ended, "still my favorite album."

"See you would be right, but reputation exists." 

"Alright look-" 

"Sirius!! Ahh It's been so long!!" A voice interrupted. Sirius saw Dorcas smiling over at the pair, an elegant blue dress and hair done in electrifying blue braids to match pinned up in a bun. "Will we be seeing you at the meeting next week?" They asked fake-sternly. 

"Always good to see ya dork. We all need to hang out soon, it's been too long." Sirius chided to the girls who nodded eagerly. A slow song came on and Sirius didn't miss the look Marlene gave Dorcas. Sirius smiled, resisting the urge to tease the love struck couple. 

"I'll leave you two to it then." He said giving them a wink and a quick hug each before heading off into the crowd. 

There were Prewett twins in the middle of a dance circle and another group consisting of the incels Sirius really wished hadn’t shown up, and then the rest of the random hoards of dancing teens. Sirius diverged, heading out to the courtyard. The dance was lively and a hell of a good time but they needed a moment of quiet, as it was getting overwhelming already

The air was crisp, but not yet cold. They walked over to a bench under the old oak that stood in the center. Lo and behold, under the tree there was the man himself, Remus Lupin. Cigarette in hand, head tilted to the sky. Sirius spoke first. 

“Taking the ‘mysterious wallflower’ act seriously then?” They said. They reckoned they should still be upset. But there was something about seeing him; Remus was just too easy to fall for all over again. 

“You’re the serious one here.”

“Ha ha.” Sirius said. Somehow the joke never felt old when he said it. They went to sit next to Remus but he was just getting up. 

“I’m getting out of here. Want to go to the three broomsticks? We can...catch up.” Remus said, looking down at Sirius, threading his hand through his strawberry curls. They were already mussed up. He was stressed. 

“Uh, sure. Can you drive or…?” Remus shook his head.

“I’d rather not.” he handed them the car keys as the pair headed towards the lot. Remus’ docs scuffed the pavement. He had a pretty green turtleneck on today. Sirius pushed the thought away. Falling for Remus could wait. Things were too complicated, too dangerous, too undefined. 

Remus’ grey toyota was the same as it always had been. It still smelled of smoke and generic pine air freshener and something so distinctly Remus that Sirius could never name it or bear it. They pulled out of the school parking lot and Remus rolled down his window. He let the wind rush over his outstretched arm, moving it up and down against the wind. 

“So what’s new with you then?” Sirius asked. They had to start somewhere. 

“I’m alright. Made some good friends in intro to filmmaking.” He replied over the rushing sound of the air. 

“That’s good. Is that the girl from the coffee shop?”

“Tonks. Yeah she’s one of them.” He replied. Sirius knew Remus was looking over at him. “We’re together.”

“Oh.” Sirius said. They should have expected it. _He was allowed to date people now._ They hadn’t even been properly dating. Still, there was an ache of regret and longing in Sirius’ chest. “Well that’s great. She seems nice.” Sirius said forcing a grin. 

“She is.” Remus said. Sirius wished they didn’t cling to the lack of enthusiasm there but they’d be lying if they said they didn’t. The silence was devouring.

Sirius kept their eyes glued to the road. They avoided looking at him for the rest of the drive, following the faded white lines to the forlorn diner. 

_*_

_Remus,  
Idek what this is, honestly it’s 4am and im done with this shit. Im tired. And im tired of going over these same four scenarios. How the fuck are you so mysterious?? Istg im never dating another bastard with sag in 12th house. Ik it was out of your control, but we could have mads shit work. Was i just an expiriment ? Did i mean half as much as you did to me? You never gave me the time of day but i don’t know what was expecting, you obviously had other priorities.Its not even the screaming that scares me, its the fucking haunted smile on your face now. What happened to you moony? I miss you. God i hate that i need you. But i do. And I know I loved you. I still do. But you should know. I hope you two are happy together.  
Fuck you_

_*_

_May 24th  
notes>>_

_Sirius idk if ill ever send this but im sso sorry. Im shaking rn fuck i cant type this well i dont have time. I love you more than i’ve ever loved ayone and i need you to know that. Mums gonna fuck this all um shit im so scared. I cant get kicked out i cant im so scared i need you here. I lovee you so fucking much_

**Author's Note:**

> pls take care of yourself, the author loves you very much!!
> 
> there will defo be a part two/second chapter!!


End file.
